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My life is going down these days.
My mom had a computed tomography on Tuesday like usualy every couple of months to have further knowledge about the state of her cancer. However, she felt extremly sick that early morning and called and said she's been having problems with her stomach for a while, so the doctors expressed possibility it has spread onto her stomach and told her to go there immediately. She got that investigated and they found out her stomach is okay, no cancer in there, however they kept her over night and said her oncologist would visit her next day to talk about results from the CT. It has grown faily big in her liver again and they will have to find a new chemotherapy now cause the old one isn't wrking anymore. More, she's been in huge back pain for months now (she had surgery 3 years ago on that) and two weeks ago she finally had an appointment with doctors on that. The outcome was pretty drastic, her invertrebral disc is starting to cut off nerves and if she doesn't get surgery she won't be able to walk anymore couple of months from now the latest. It wouldn't be a big deal, 30 minutes surgery and just 3 days in hospital. BUT they first had to check back with the oncology doctors and it turns out she may not receive her main chemotherapy medics for about a month after having surgery and because they can't risk that (even less with her worse state now) she is not allowed to have that back surgery done.
More, I have so much to do with Uni in the next 7 weeks - 10 excursions, 2 papers with presentations, 5 additional papers, 2 seminars and 4 exams. My mom says her biggest wish (you can tell she's already done with her life in her mind) is that I'm successful in my studies and finish them ASAP and forbid me to take a train to Zurich.
I've talked to her this morning on the phone and we talked about our planned USA holidays. She asked her doctor about it and she advised her to think about cancelling it cause she may not be in enough good state to travel by August. My mom told me this morning she's waiting for her next chemotherapy next week and maybe even further cause it doesn't matter whether we cancel three months or three weeks in advance, the refund is the same. But chances we'll go are rather small.
All of that just adds up.
I'm not ready to loose my mom. I want her to see me proudly get my degree, I want her to see me getting married. I know it's pathetic but that's the way I feel. And I know she doesn't want to go yet either. And I have no idea what'll be with my dad. When I paid them a surprise visit couple of weeks ago mom was working when I turned up and when my dad opened the door and saw me he broke into tears, wouldn't let me go for minutes and poured his heart out to me. I can't possibly let him live alone.
The guy. My crush. I've had these moments again and again the past couple of weeks, talking myself into the idea that he wouldn't want me anyway cause I'm surely not good enough for him. I had my moments back in January when I was sure I'd just give it a shot and ask him out cause you never know but since then.... I just had my moments and then I felt that I sometimes really wish I'd have someone who'd just tell me I'm a great girl every now and then... and I kept telling myself I'm never gonna have that cause I'm not good enough (for him). It just made me sad and I was thankful for distraction of that even though I still enjoyed seeing him once or twice a week at the Uni.
Then there's these vacations. My mom is respectively was very excited about them, now that they were approaching (we were set to leave today in exactly 100 days, how ironic) slowly. And I could see it does her well to be thinking about going there again.
But let's be honest, my feelings about the holidays are egoistic. Apart from booking the flights and 5 hotel stays that my mom made (she knew the places from former visits) these was MY trip. The route we planned was my suggestion, I'm the one that made lists of accomodations to check, I was supposed to be responsible to plan our small hiking trips at Yellowstone, Crater Lake and Olympic National Parks. And you have NO idea how much I was looking forward to going there, I've been counting down the day for months already. That trip was my light at the end of the tunnel, I haven't been feeling well on the inside for months but that's what held me spirits up. And sometimes seeing my crush.
But he's out of my league, my mom is dying, I have half a dozen papers to write and the upcoming possible cancellation of the trip just gave me the rest that was left to a breakdown. I hate myself for thinking and feeling this way but there's nothing I can do. I haven't slept in two days, all I've eaten is a box of Toblerone chocolate and I can't remember when I last drank a water. I haven't done anything for Uni, all I did is re-arranging my stuff in my flat and lying around (read nothing). And I hate myself for not having the guts to ask my crush out last year when I first saw him, maybe I could have someone to hold me now if I did. And yes I know I'm an idiot and I should be ashamed to be thinking about such unimported things with my mom's state. I know I'm an idiot and I hate myself for being me these days. I wish I was in her place.
My mom had a computed tomography on Tuesday like usualy every couple of months to have further knowledge about the state of her cancer. However, she felt extremly sick that early morning and called and said she's been having problems with her stomach for a while, so the doctors expressed possibility it has spread onto her stomach and told her to go there immediately. She got that investigated and they found out her stomach is okay, no cancer in there, however they kept her over night and said her oncologist would visit her next day to talk about results from the CT. It has grown faily big in her liver again and they will have to find a new chemotherapy now cause the old one isn't wrking anymore. More, she's been in huge back pain for months now (she had surgery 3 years ago on that) and two weeks ago she finally had an appointment with doctors on that. The outcome was pretty drastic, her invertrebral disc is starting to cut off nerves and if she doesn't get surgery she won't be able to walk anymore couple of months from now the latest. It wouldn't be a big deal, 30 minutes surgery and just 3 days in hospital. BUT they first had to check back with the oncology doctors and it turns out she may not receive her main chemotherapy medics for about a month after having surgery and because they can't risk that (even less with her worse state now) she is not allowed to have that back surgery done.
More, I have so much to do with Uni in the next 7 weeks - 10 excursions, 2 papers with presentations, 5 additional papers, 2 seminars and 4 exams. My mom says her biggest wish (you can tell she's already done with her life in her mind) is that I'm successful in my studies and finish them ASAP and forbid me to take a train to Zurich.
I've talked to her this morning on the phone and we talked about our planned USA holidays. She asked her doctor about it and she advised her to think about cancelling it cause she may not be in enough good state to travel by August. My mom told me this morning she's waiting for her next chemotherapy next week and maybe even further cause it doesn't matter whether we cancel three months or three weeks in advance, the refund is the same. But chances we'll go are rather small.
All of that just adds up.
I'm not ready to loose my mom. I want her to see me proudly get my degree, I want her to see me getting married. I know it's pathetic but that's the way I feel. And I know she doesn't want to go yet either. And I have no idea what'll be with my dad. When I paid them a surprise visit couple of weeks ago mom was working when I turned up and when my dad opened the door and saw me he broke into tears, wouldn't let me go for minutes and poured his heart out to me. I can't possibly let him live alone.
The guy. My crush. I've had these moments again and again the past couple of weeks, talking myself into the idea that he wouldn't want me anyway cause I'm surely not good enough for him. I had my moments back in January when I was sure I'd just give it a shot and ask him out cause you never know but since then.... I just had my moments and then I felt that I sometimes really wish I'd have someone who'd just tell me I'm a great girl every now and then... and I kept telling myself I'm never gonna have that cause I'm not good enough (for him). It just made me sad and I was thankful for distraction of that even though I still enjoyed seeing him once or twice a week at the Uni.
Then there's these vacations. My mom is respectively was very excited about them, now that they were approaching (we were set to leave today in exactly 100 days, how ironic) slowly. And I could see it does her well to be thinking about going there again.
But let's be honest, my feelings about the holidays are egoistic. Apart from booking the flights and 5 hotel stays that my mom made (she knew the places from former visits) these was MY trip. The route we planned was my suggestion, I'm the one that made lists of accomodations to check, I was supposed to be responsible to plan our small hiking trips at Yellowstone, Crater Lake and Olympic National Parks. And you have NO idea how much I was looking forward to going there, I've been counting down the day for months already. That trip was my light at the end of the tunnel, I haven't been feeling well on the inside for months but that's what held me spirits up. And sometimes seeing my crush.
But he's out of my league, my mom is dying, I have half a dozen papers to write and the upcoming possible cancellation of the trip just gave me the rest that was left to a breakdown. I hate myself for thinking and feeling this way but there's nothing I can do. I haven't slept in two days, all I've eaten is a box of Toblerone chocolate and I can't remember when I last drank a water. I haven't done anything for Uni, all I did is re-arranging my stuff in my flat and lying around (read nothing). And I hate myself for not having the guts to ask my crush out last year when I first saw him, maybe I could have someone to hold me now if I did. And yes I know I'm an idiot and I should be ashamed to be thinking about such unimported things with my mom's state. I know I'm an idiot and I hate myself for being me these days. I wish I was in her place.
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![Siru and Moni, almost x-rated... although, they're just teasing me with the banana! [cause I can't eat them]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v509/CBA/LiveJournal/2007/siru/PICT2667.jpg)
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